Did you hear about the producer who’s son asked him for fifty bucks?
“Forty dollars? Whadda ya need twenty dollars for?”

This is one of the many jokes I learned from my favorite Saturday Night Live star, Cheri Oteri, at this years 10th annual Sonoma Valley Film Festival.
For the past three years, I’ve been honored with the fairly exclusive volunteer position at the festival as a VIP “handler.” My job is taking care of VIPs and their – sometimes – outrageous needs. Basically, it’s playing babysitter to directors, producers, writers and actors. Imagine being a nanny to six spoiled adults running around in ten different directions at once. It’s like being a mom, a waitress and a flight attendant all rolled into one messy little dolma.

As we all know, living in Sonoma has its privileges. Artistry, delectable food, and exceptional wine flow as freely around here as the fresh, clean air. Growing up here has spoiled me, and I’m sometimes oblivious to the merits of small-town living. I do enjoy the casual atmosphere of Sonoma that has become part of my cellular composition, but I often find myself semi-lethargic and in need of more mental, physical and social stimulation. Thankfully, once a year we are blessed with the Cinema Epicuria, where my gregarious wine glass has not just been allowed, but practically required to runneth over. The experiences I’ve gained at my favorite local event will live in my mind, heart and liver for years to come.

This year I was assigned to several talented people, who were for the most part, easy to work with. From the soon to be released film “The Ten,” as well as the recently released “Diggers,” I assisted writer and actor Ken Marino, as well as producers David Wain and Jon Stern. Except for a few minor irritations, they were a fun bunch of guys. “Diggers” director Katherine Diekmann was, to my disappointment, completely self-sufficient. She was very interesting and I was really hoping to spend some time with her. It’s probably a good thing she was so independent though, because I ended up spending most of my time assisting the crew from this year’s favorite narrative feature, “Park.” The minute I met producer Dana Jackson on the bus to the industry mixer at St. Francis Winery, we were instant friends. The epitome of excellent producing, she was strong, committed and totally believed in her movies winning potential. Writer-director Kurt Voelker, probably best known for his screen-play “Sweet November,” kept us all laughing with his joke telling. Sweet and loveable actor David Fenner was in real life, a complete contrast to the dorky character he played on film. As much as I loved everyone in this group, it was goofball Cheri Oteri that I really connected with. Well known for her hilarious cheerleading skit with Will Ferrell on SNL, I’d always wanted to sit and pick her crazy brain. During our pre-fest VIP team meeting, I played my itinerary assignment cards like a high-stakes poker game just to get her. Names like Ernie Hudson, Tony Shaloub, Emily Van Camp, Cheech Marin, Bonnie Hunt, and Robin Williams were in the mix, and I ante-upped a few of my big names, accepted two “difficults” and came out winning Cheri.

When I first met her at St. Francis that Friday, I couldn’t believe how tiny she was. Then I couldn’t believe how comfortable it was to talk with her. It was like we’d known each other for years. We joked, drank and whispered like high school girlfriends.
“There were two muffins in the oven and one said, ‘It sure is hot in here,’ and the other muffin replied, ‘Holy crap! A talking muffin!’”

During a two hour breakfast at Breakaway Café the next morning, we talked so much we could barely eat, and that woman can eat! We competed for the craziest family story (she won). I learned where she got her ideas for some of her funniest characters (mostly her grandmothers and gay hairdresser in New York). I fed her clever text replies to her new boyfriend, Greg Gardiner, who had to stay in LA for a party he was throwing that night.
I added one of her favorite books, “A Course in Miracles,” to my must-read list, and recommended she see “Mothers Be Good,” which was playing at the festival.

When breakfast was over, the ever-patient transportation driver Mike Dunevant, waited in the Jag while we ran into Rite-Aide to buy her a hair dryer. Later that night after she’d tamed her wild curls, I took her to a private, members-only reception party, and introduced her to Joe Pantoliano. They hit it off, and later that night we ended up at a very exclusive dinner party with his friends up in Kenwood.

The next day, after watching the “Park” crew get photo’s done by Getty Images, I got to jump in and pose for a few shots. I can’t wait to see professional pictures of Cheri Oteri and myself with our tongues hanging out! After the shoot, we met up with adorable actor D.B. Sweeney, recognized by a fan for his ice-skating lead in “Cutting Edge,” and headed over to Sebastiani Theatre to see the Joey Pants movie, “Canvas.” When the film was over, we had five minutes to get over to the community center for her Q & A, and even though we were late, she still stopped to sign autographs while I took pictures of her with adoring fans.
That night, after sharing a few pear martini’s and several sushi rolls at the gala party, Cheri wanted more to eat so I sent her and her group over to the girl and the fig for dinner. I’d hoped to meet up with her at Daedalus Howell’s house later (where beautiful super-model Irina Pantaeva chatted with film festival marketing director Greg Hittleman), but she was exhausted and went back to her cottage for the night.

Before leaving Sunday afternoon, Cheri wanted some wine to bring home with her, but neither of us knew much about what to buy. Luckily enough, I knew the perfect person to call, and minute’s later festival sommelier Chris Sawyer met up with us for breakfast. It was a perfect, ahem, pairing.

I thought I might be relieved when all of my people headed back home, but truthfully, I was terribly disappointed. It had been such a fantastical experience, and I knew it would be another year before I could do it all over again. Even so, it’ll be weeks before I stop flagging down every Jag I see, expecting a ride to another great party. It was only last week that I reluctantly deleted personal phone numbers of famous people from my cell phone. And even thought it’ll be a long time before I’ll want another pear martini, I can’t wait to do it all again next year.
Simma down nah Donna. Simma down.