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It is a national adolescent rite of passage. A night of memories and madness, of dreams coming true and true love, of broken hearts and broken heels. It is written forever in the annals of an individual’s personal history. It’s make or break; either the magic and the memories happen, or they don’t. It is both the culmination and descent in every American teenager’s life. It is “The Prom.”
Every parent and teenager alike anticipates this one special night with a combination of both excitement and terror. Young girls flip though “Seventeen” and “Teen Vogue,” looking for the “perfect” dress and accessories. Young men rent limos, tuxedos and oftentimes a hotel room in anticipation. Parents cope by preparing their children as best they can before the big event and then hoping and praying that night that they make wise decisions and return home safely.
In today’s world, the prom has come to mean something entirely different than it did twenty, thirty or forty years ago. The event sites are swankier and the clothing, transportation and other incidentals more costly than ever before. For many, “The Prom” has come to symbolize status and power, with both kids and parents alike getting caught up in the competitive, consumerist-driven frenzy of “keeping up with the Joneses.”
Indeed, many parents I spoke to expressed disdain with how expensive and materialistic prom night had become. For many, such as Kari Pecha of Sonoma, she has to work extra shifts as an R.N. to pay for things like the rental of the limo.
“Prom night is blown way out of proportion, and the parents buy into the competitive nature that the children put on them. I tell my kids, ‘You will not find happiness on prom night just because you have the perfect dress, the perfect hair and the perfect shoes’.”
Pecha, who with her husband Brian is raising six children, is currently seeing her third child through Justin-Siena High School and so far feels that the overall experiences for her first two children were very positive on prom night.
“We were lucky, in the sense that my first two went with dates who were just friends and it really eliminated the whole romance and intimacy component of prom that makes us parents worry so much. I knew they were safe, and they were both allowed to go to after-parties, where the parents were home. They were also allowed to spend the night at a good friends’ house for a same-sex slumber party ONLY. We always spoke to the parents at the house where our children were staying, and they were good friends who we trusted would be actively supervising the children and not allowing any drugs, alcohol or co-ed sleepovers.”
Diane Broderick of Sonoma has similar rules for her three children. She and her husband Earl currently have their second child at Sonoma Valley High School and they also adhere to a strict policy of no drugs, drinking or co-ed sleepovers on prom night. However, she feels that the limos are a great benefit because they guarantee a sober driver and her child and all their friends pitch in to cover the cost of the limo rental.
Broderick definitely wants her kids to have a good time, as she did at her prom, but as an adult she sees an inherent problem with prom: “This is an age group (teenagers) who are trying to spread their wings, gain their freedom and become full-fledged adults but they don’t yet have the maturity and the responsibility that comes ten or twenty years down the road, and they can get into a situation that can quickly get out of their control.”
However, in Broderick’s opinion, “ A positive change that I’ve seen with prom night now as compared to when I was a teen is that all the kids go in groups, and I feel like my kids are safer in a large group of their friends than if they were just one on one with their date. That seems to be the trend—whether it’s a group of several couples or a group of friends, going alone with your date is the exception rather than the rule.”
Don’t disrespect it
“Prom is a night that you’re going to make history — don’t disrespect it or make bad choices, because this is a very special evening that is going to be a part of who you are forever.”
These are the words that Julie Blair of Sonoma has spoken to three of her six children before they have walked out the door and prepared to “make history” on prom night. With her third and fourth daughters currently attending Sonoma Valley High School, Blair has had quite a bit of experience with the event known as prom.
“My kids have always had wonderful, fun experiences at prom, and I encourage them to enjoy and make it a once in a lifetime experience, something that they will always remember. Of course, there are certain rules that I have for my kids before they go out that door, and one of them is that they have to always be in a group of friends — to avoid getting themselves in a dangerous or compromising situation where they are alone. They also always rent a limo, or in my son’s case, an R.V., so that I know that they are getting safely to and from prom. And ‘No hotel rooms’ is always a standing rule in our house, although they are all allowed to spend the night where the parents are home and then have breakfast together the next morning.”
Bill Stirnus of Santa Rosa has double-duty when prom time rolls around, as both a father of three and the principal of Santa Rosa’s Montgomery High School. Stirnus is responsible not only for his own son, a senior, but for all the students at Montgomery.
“There has been a long-standing tradition at Montgomery High School, of parents renting houses for their kids and their friends on prom night out at Bodega Bay. When I became principal several years ago, I began sending a letter home a few weeks before prom, reminding parents that ‘We don’t reward thirteen years of our children’s hard work by putting them at risk on one specific night, simply because it is prom.’ This is a tradition that caused twelve-thousand dollars damage one year to a house where an after-prom party got out of control. Since my time as principal, this tradition has become no more. But I still send the letter home every year to remind parents, just in case.”
“Right before prom, I pull all the seniors into the cafeteria, to remind them of our ’25-Day Rule’.” At Montgomery, a student suspended for any infraction, including drug or alcohol use is not be allowed to participate in any extra-curricular activities for the next 25 days. Our graduation is less than 25 days after prom, and so I remind all the seniors that if they do something against school policy on prom night, they will not be allowed to participate in any graduation ceremonies, including walking down the aisle or the ‘Grad Night’ party afterwards.
“There is also a whole new element to prom that wasn’t there ten or twenty years ago, and that is the use of ‘designer drugs’ by high school students. We definitely search cars, bags and use breathalyzers, but drugs such as ecstasy, which impair kids’ judgment and how far they are willing to go, are much harder for a parent or chaperone to detect.”
Stirnus says that he and his wife Leslie are usually looked at as among the strictest parents when it comes to prom night, and often times parents call their house just to ask their opinion or find out what rules they are laying down for their kids on this exceptional evening.
“All our kids still had curfews on prom night; they were not allowed to go to sleepovers or hotel rooms. Most of the time, we always tell our kids to be home by 12:30, but on prom night we usually extend it a little bit later. We believe that whatever kids of this age are doing, they need to be chaperoned. The problem with adolescents is that they get caught up in the moment and in wanting to make prom night a memorable night, and they make choices without considering the consequences. We always ask our children lots of questions to find out specifically what they are planning on doing, and I ask a lot of questions of my juniors and seniors at Montgomery in the weeks leading up to prom as well.”
“Basically, it’s all about being proactive, whether as a parent or as an administrator, and letting your kids know how much you really care about them.”
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A look at Crown’s Formal Wear.
Photos by Rick Bolen
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